老婆
在我还没有跟你结婚的时候，已经想了做了你的老公要让你快快乐乐，好好成为你的老公，让你高兴，享受你文化背景不能享受的快乐。
那年我们也结婚了。
但是，往往真的预料不到，你的老公我，尽力着把一切困扰情绪或交感神经的疾病一一的解除，但始终还是脑部跟身体好像不听话，抗议不舒服，我真的不懂如何表达我的身心的状况。
我很努力的想解决方案，但是真的筋疲力尽了。
我好像真的有了焦虑症，恐慌症。
我幻想以为很活泼的男士，突然成为了你的有焦虑症的丈夫，真的为你感到不值得，仿佛踏入错了船。
我的日子还有你的一生，真的不懂如何可以配合。
说真的很想带你到处奔看，观赏我们没有去过的大自然，很大的超市，出名的地方。
但是，多人的地方我有怕了，怎么样好。
我知道你觉得我是对号入座，天天做研究，不能好好的生活，看论文，看症状符不符合。
很常看到你不想看到我吃焦虑的药。
我也很煎熬，很想好起来。不想让你觉得一世要跟着有神经病的人。
在药的依赖，我也尽量故意减低，知道很厉害发作时，从新再来增加药量。
我也不知道为什么这个焦虑症和恐慌会来到我的生命。
我很尽责，很热观，想法很另类，很努力，很孝顺长辈，很好处事待人。
我真的不知道。
会不会是工作，还是我以前做错了的事，在我的心里耐不住...?
都做了颈椎的手术了，真的希望康复后，我的症状会好。
能够至少及格能做您要的老公，田嘉禾。
我也是很难过，我的身体不懂怎么了。
我很想要回以前的我，但是好像很难。
加上我家人的文化给了你许多压力，我真的无能为力。
在没有田嘉禾的合好之下，也担心你也被拼到有忧郁和焦虑。
假如一切都照旧和加重的话，这一生我和你真的很难熬过。
我了解你很不耐烦我的症状了。
我知道你在莫名忍受我的症状，习惯，想法。
没有解决方案，只好一路一路走吧，假如这一生真的忍受不了，一切可以舒缓或拿走这些链接性的问题，我都愿意配合，只要可以让你舒服，高兴，享受人生。
我只能慢慢了，不能很活泼了，我的心脏会很怪，脑会很怪，身心结合不能。
我自认我真的无能。
Nissan Navara D40 2.5 LE (Malaysia Version)
Sharing :)
This is inside bonnet navara engine and mechanical position and setting.
Built by Malaysia.
GCC GLORY CHRISTIAN CENTRE - BOOST QR CODE FOR TITHE
已經試過了，可以透過掃描此QRCode就能輕而易舉的在任何地方奉獻十一給GCC教會！
無論在家，在外國，在你要的地方！
但是要send去你的朋友的電話，然後你才可以照此QRCode進行奉獻！
#秒速奉獻
#boost #tithe #anywhere #神的國度
Hi Everyone, if you would like to offer tithe to GCC Glory Christian Centre, the photo or Boost QR Code able to ease you!
Just download or copy this Boost QR Code and WhatsApp to your friend or Whatsapp Web, and Boost-scan it to make the offering!
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03152017 0500PM, Sea Swim, Death's Shadow. Survival, Helpless, No one knows. Jesus spoke
03.15.2017
05:00PM - decided to go to the beach and have a ocean swim.
05:30PM - Swimming, deeper and deeper and deeper, worth it, using every stroke that I master, butterfly still learning.
06:20PM - maybe is time to swim back to shore, depth roughly have 3 of me.
Panic come when I observe everything in term of distance and indication still remain far and stagnant, as I blast swim with freestroke, breaststroke.
I begin to encounter fear, panic and helpless, as I'm far from shore, and I can't hardly see beach, but only tall tree from the far.
My mind become to mess up and emotionless, as I figure out I'm in trouble swimming back to shore.
Negative mind begin to strike my mental, as theory of ocean wave pulling.
I had no time to shout, and I knew that was pointless for me to shout for help as no body I could see, and no ship around as well.
I begin to lost track although shore was in front of me, energy drained, my mind mess-up, and lost time.
Sunset, half-sun gone caused me panic more, light started to fade off, and I knew that without sunlight, my sight could had lost everything as indication.
Free style, breast stroke, back stroke.
Stroke that I mastered, caused me more fear, as I performed my master-stroke but it felt like effortless to the distance between me and shore.
I just keep on routinely swim 3 stroke, free style and breast stroke caused me panic more, as I keep swimming and my eyes saw everything un-moved.
I'm too fear and panic to take a test of the depth with what I usually do, I'm paniced and I hardly inhaled and exhaled slowly my breathe, tensed.
Back stroke with hand pedal side by side, spared me a little time to rest and talk to my Jesus.
Through out all these chaos, I able to listen Jesus, my word, and the negative thought.
I'm beside you, keep swimming, and do not fear.
Why am I here, why I never knew I'm so damn far.
I'm hope I don't die like this, I hope someone know I'm seeking for help.
I'm gonna die if sunlight goes down.
Have faith, every life-journey I won't let you be harmed or cause life lost.
I'm your God. I hope someone tell me end soon, I hope someone tell me it is okay, but cannot, I need to be kept on swimming as I could. But all the visual still unchanged despite my effort, and sunset almost end.
As I swimming and exhaustively drank few times of sea water even BACKSTROKE, there were 3 voices in my mental, I forgot my exhausted, forgot my muscle burnt or whatever, I knew I'm in survival mode, eyes big. I had no emotion, but to keep swim toward shore, the only things that I thought left me anchored was my swimming gaggle that no yet leak in a drop of sea water, I could not imagined if my gaggle leaked in some sea water, I guess I will be more trouble in surviving these.
As these voices, and undestinated-effort keep routine, I boldly and felt like giving one more time to test the depth using my body, and I madly did it, it reach 3/4 of my height.
I surrender my mental to Jesus, as I kept on jumped up and dived down to touch the sandbed and jumped up again to catch breathe, with this I able to at least predict I'm little and little getting near to the shore and getting shallow bit by bit.
I kept on telling Jesus I'm sorry, but I didn't understand why, I felt like I'm admitting wrongs to my dad, as like I done things wrong that I don't even know.
Bit by Bit, started to walk toward the shore, from surface of my face, until chest, stomach, leg, knee, finally small leg.
I begin to blank and felt a bit dizzy as I on shore, my muscle trigger to soar, and I started to tremble, but I just kept cool, I felt my face whitish as my body went so pale.
As I walked through the way to toilet, I'm tremble and speechless.
No one really there along my way, only night-guard smile at me, and my auntie that smile cause of I'm back to place.
No one knows it.
This was not a test to gain a lesson, but a real visitation to the shadow of death when no one knows it, , light fading out, lost of time, lost track of distance, no mathematics, no ships around, helpless, mentally torture, sight-seeing cause panic and by all myself.
But through these death's shadow, now I able to feel thankful to all tangible people and things around of me, have no point to go into depression, blaming or anything that once felt doesn't fair.
I'm thankful, and speechless. Jesus's word is important, and it always work and able to apply to any circumstances even to the death or not.
I begin to think that Iron-Man swimming contest do have indication of distance, guards and mind knowing that people around are watching. I found that I'm too crazy ended-up floating on the sea without all these, I'm not into Iron-Man swimming that time, I'm nearly dead surviving.
If there is no God's word intervene into the chaos mentally fight, I could not guarantee I able to jot all these words here.
That's so real, panic and fear usually may cause life lost even only depth of 3 of me. When theory hit in and I start panic, all my boldness gone, my muscle, mind connection all disconnect.
Backstroke allowed me to take rest, but unable to track things around me.
Now I understand why there gonna need meter indication, buddy system, guards when doing swimming contest, it provide safe-mind and guide to the swimmer, without that, the swimmer may ended up like me, floater, panic and chaos.
Now my body muscle soar, small appetite, and image and feeling feel so fresh yet.
I thank God, the words, the bible reading, the phrases become rhema that cheer me or comfort me and gave me so much strength from mind to the body while I'm in deep shit, life threat.
What things can got worst again, even God knows and He saves.
I gonna go back to swim, but next time no deeper and deeper, but just beside the shore, and shallow.
end.
(Visibility: 4 meter. Creature: NONE. Depth: 3 of me _ Sand was cold and sticky, shallow part sea full of sand floating)
05:00PM - decided to go to the beach and have a ocean swim.
05:30PM - Swimming, deeper and deeper and deeper, worth it, using every stroke that I master, butterfly still learning.
06:20PM - maybe is time to swim back to shore, depth roughly have 3 of me.
Panic come when I observe everything in term of distance and indication still remain far and stagnant, as I blast swim with freestroke, breaststroke.
I begin to encounter fear, panic and helpless, as I'm far from shore, and I can't hardly see beach, but only tall tree from the far.
My mind become to mess up and emotionless, as I figure out I'm in trouble swimming back to shore.
Negative mind begin to strike my mental, as theory of ocean wave pulling.
I had no time to shout, and I knew that was pointless for me to shout for help as no body I could see, and no ship around as well.
I begin to lost track although shore was in front of me, energy drained, my mind mess-up, and lost time.
Sunset, half-sun gone caused me panic more, light started to fade off, and I knew that without sunlight, my sight could had lost everything as indication.
Free style, breast stroke, back stroke.
Stroke that I mastered, caused me more fear, as I performed my master-stroke but it felt like effortless to the distance between me and shore.
I just keep on routinely swim 3 stroke, free style and breast stroke caused me panic more, as I keep swimming and my eyes saw everything un-moved.
I'm too fear and panic to take a test of the depth with what I usually do, I'm paniced and I hardly inhaled and exhaled slowly my breathe, tensed.
Back stroke with hand pedal side by side, spared me a little time to rest and talk to my Jesus.
Through out all these chaos, I able to listen Jesus, my word, and the negative thought.
I'm beside you, keep swimming, and do not fear.
Why am I here, why I never knew I'm so damn far.
I'm hope I don't die like this, I hope someone know I'm seeking for help.
I'm gonna die if sunlight goes down.
Have faith, every life-journey I won't let you be harmed or cause life lost.
I'm your God. I hope someone tell me end soon, I hope someone tell me it is okay, but cannot, I need to be kept on swimming as I could. But all the visual still unchanged despite my effort, and sunset almost end.
As I swimming and exhaustively drank few times of sea water even BACKSTROKE, there were 3 voices in my mental, I forgot my exhausted, forgot my muscle burnt or whatever, I knew I'm in survival mode, eyes big. I had no emotion, but to keep swim toward shore, the only things that I thought left me anchored was my swimming gaggle that no yet leak in a drop of sea water, I could not imagined if my gaggle leaked in some sea water, I guess I will be more trouble in surviving these.
As these voices, and undestinated-effort keep routine, I boldly and felt like giving one more time to test the depth using my body, and I madly did it, it reach 3/4 of my height.
I surrender my mental to Jesus, as I kept on jumped up and dived down to touch the sandbed and jumped up again to catch breathe, with this I able to at least predict I'm little and little getting near to the shore and getting shallow bit by bit.
I kept on telling Jesus I'm sorry, but I didn't understand why, I felt like I'm admitting wrongs to my dad, as like I done things wrong that I don't even know.
Bit by Bit, started to walk toward the shore, from surface of my face, until chest, stomach, leg, knee, finally small leg.
I begin to blank and felt a bit dizzy as I on shore, my muscle trigger to soar, and I started to tremble, but I just kept cool, I felt my face whitish as my body went so pale.
As I walked through the way to toilet, I'm tremble and speechless.
No one really there along my way, only night-guard smile at me, and my auntie that smile cause of I'm back to place.
No one knows it.
This was not a test to gain a lesson, but a real visitation to the shadow of death when no one knows it, , light fading out, lost of time, lost track of distance, no mathematics, no ships around, helpless, mentally torture, sight-seeing cause panic and by all myself.
But through these death's shadow, now I able to feel thankful to all tangible people and things around of me, have no point to go into depression, blaming or anything that once felt doesn't fair.
I'm thankful, and speechless. Jesus's word is important, and it always work and able to apply to any circumstances even to the death or not.
I begin to think that Iron-Man swimming contest do have indication of distance, guards and mind knowing that people around are watching. I found that I'm too crazy ended-up floating on the sea without all these, I'm not into Iron-Man swimming that time, I'm nearly dead surviving.
If there is no God's word intervene into the chaos mentally fight, I could not guarantee I able to jot all these words here.
That's so real, panic and fear usually may cause life lost even only depth of 3 of me. When theory hit in and I start panic, all my boldness gone, my muscle, mind connection all disconnect.
Backstroke allowed me to take rest, but unable to track things around me.
Now I understand why there gonna need meter indication, buddy system, guards when doing swimming contest, it provide safe-mind and guide to the swimmer, without that, the swimmer may ended up like me, floater, panic and chaos.
Now my body muscle soar, small appetite, and image and feeling feel so fresh yet.
I thank God, the words, the bible reading, the phrases become rhema that cheer me or comfort me and gave me so much strength from mind to the body while I'm in deep shit, life threat.
What things can got worst again, even God knows and He saves.
I gonna go back to swim, but next time no deeper and deeper, but just beside the shore, and shallow.
end.
(Visibility: 4 meter. Creature: NONE. Depth: 3 of me _ Sand was cold and sticky, shallow part sea full of sand floating)
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